Most of us go through life seeking the approval of others. Be it our parents, teachers, friends, partners. We are so afraid of doing what we want to do because we’ve been conditioned to need other people’s approval.
And sure, this probably stems back to the days of our ancestors when, not to be approved of and accepted into the tribe, meant certain death as you’d be left to fend for yourself against the deadly threats and predators out there.
So you learned to get along, acquiesce to the demands of the group, and do what needed to be done. But not necessarily what you wanted to do. And it’s pretty much hardwired into your DNA.
But that doesn’t mean that you STILL have to keep doing that.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Have you heard of Abraham Maslow and the Hierarchy of Needs model he developed? I learned about him when studying for my degree in Psychology.
Understanding The Hierarchy
Right at the bottom of the hierarchy, Maslow describes man’s most basic needs, the Physiological Needs. These are the needs for food, air, water, shelter etc.
Next comes Safety Needs. These include personal security, but also health and employment security.
Then Love and Belonging, which include needing to belong to a group of some sort and have a sense of connection with others. These include family and friends.
Then Esteem, the need for respect, self-esteem, recognition and so on.
And finally, the need for Self-Actualisation. Now this one is often defined as something along the lines of the desire to become all you can be. To achieve self-fulfilment and to achieve your full potential. That’s certainly what I was taught during my studies.
However, I believe that this one has been misunderstood, or only partially explained.
Have a look at this quote:
“What other people think of me is none of my business”
I’ve seen this quote attributed to Gary Oldman, Eleanor Roosevelt, RuPaul and Wayne Dyer. Who knows who actually came up with it? Maybe they all did. But personally, I like Wayne Dyers version the best as he added on a little more and goes on to say:
“What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.” - Wayne Dyer.
And that is what I believe Maslow meant by Self-Actualisation.
Freedom From The Good Opinions Of Others
I believe that Self-Actualisation is actually freedom from the good opinions of other people.
Freedom from caring what other people think of you.
Freedom from basing your self-worth on the opinions of other people and what they think of you or believe you’re capable of.
Freedom from trying to be what you think others want you to be.
Freedom from trying to fit the mould that society or your parents/family/partner have dreamed up for you.
Freedom from trying to obtain approval, attention, recognition, acceptance from other people.
Self- actualisation.
Could it be that the highest state of man is freedom from the good opinions of others?
Just… WOW!
When you realise that the only approval you need is your own, your entire world shifts.
Sure you can care what other people think, but the secret is to not be emotionally attached to it.
Why Is Caring What Other People Think Of Us Such A Problem?
Well mainly because you have no control over the outcome of your attempts to get this acceptance, this attention, recognition and approval.
We play the people-pleasing game when all we really want, deep down, is to follow our own true path and needs. But we’ve been conditioned to please others. To care what they think.
But in order to fully own your power, you have to stop worrying about what other people think of you
And sure, you can listen to and hear what other people are saying, but don’t be emotionally attached to it.
If other people like you, great. If they don’t, so what?
Because when you approve of yourself, you don’t need the approval of others.
Think about it this way:
If you have a low opinion of yourself, does it matter what anybody tells you? Will you believe them? If they tell you that you are fabulous and amazing, will you take it on? No.
If you think highly of yourself, does it matter what anybody thinks or says of you? No. If you like you. And you believe in you. You won’t give a toss what someone else thinks.
It’s what you think that matters.
How Can You Develop The Trait Of Self-Approval?
- Stop trying to please everyone
Firstly, it’s impossible to please absolutely everybody.
Everyone is different. Everyone has their own perception of the world, their own filter and lens through which they see the world. So no matter what you do, you can never hope to please everybody.
And when you do things hoping to get other people’s approval, you are actually saying that their needs are more important than yours. How crazy is that?
Have you ever stopped to think that, maybe everybody else is so worried about what others think about them that they don’t have the time to be spending judging you?
People are so busy worrying about themselves and what other people think of them, they don’t have time to think anything of you.
And if they do so what?
- Don’t take anything personally
Nothing that anyone does is because of you, it’s because of them.
When someone says something to you it is based on the beliefs that they hold in their worldview which is totally different to your worldview.
They are dealing with their own beliefs, feelings, and opinions. And you have a choice as to whether or not to take it on.
If someone says something hurtful to me, I remind myself that it doesn’t affect me. I know what I am. I know who I am. I don’t have the need to be accepted. I don’t have the need for someone to tell me who or what I am, or how well I am doing.
And you can live from this place too.
Judgements really do say a lot more about the person doing the judging than the one being judged.
And in fact, if you know someone who is constantly criticising and never has anything nice to say, you should feel sorry for them. Imagine living in such a place of bitterness, anger and fear that they do this to people. And they have to feel like this all day!!
Realise this:
If someone says something nice about you, it’s because they feel nice. It has nothing to do with you.
And if someone says something shit about you, it’s because they feel shit, they’re having a bad moment or a bad day. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with you.
They’re projecting how they are feeling.
How freeing is that?
So stop worrying about what others think of you and start thinking about what you think of you.
- Praise yourself
Another way for you to receive the feedback you believe you need from others is to start praising yourself.
Tell yourself the things you want to hear.
We are so good at criticising ourselves, but we forget to praise ourselves too.
We talk to ourselves and say things that we would never say to another person. Stop doing that. Notice when you do it, and stop it. You would never speak to another human being like that, why do you do it to yourself?
Start saying the things you want to hear. The things you need to hear. The things you wish you had heard while growing up that maybe you didn’t get to hear.
- Realise that life is not a popularity contest
And accept that life is not a popularity contest. You don’t need everyone to like you. You no longer live in a tribe where to be rejected and disapproved of means certain death.
You need to care about what you think. And the people that matter to you.
You can’t always please everyone and make decisions that make everyone happy. Everyone is viewing the world through their lens, through their views and opinions. How could you hope to ever please everybody?
To be a good parent means you will make decisions considered unpopular.
To be a good boss you will make decisions considered unpopular.
To be a good friend you will probably at some point say things to your friend that at that exact point in time they don’t want to hear, but they need to hear.
And chances are, when you’re not begging to be liked and approved of, you will be coming from a place of such inner power and integrity that people will be naturally drawn to you.
And you will naturally garner respect and approval.
So follow your own true path and stop chasing the expectations, dreams, and desires of other people.
And sure, this may lead to more respect and approval from others, but will definitely lead to more respect and approval from yourself.
Perhaps the person who said it best in the end:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”
